


Judgment Call

by Fooeyburr



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Flirting, Ford has trouble admitting things, M/M, Weirdmageddon, drunk bill, mild dubcon, statue Ford
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 02:32:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11704974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fooeyburr/pseuds/Fooeyburr
Summary: Bill gives Ford his undivided attention and asks him obscure questions. Ford really wishes he didn't, but answers either way.





	Judgment Call

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha okay so this is a kind of lefthanded Tumblr drabble (?? can I call it that when it's 3000 words? probably not) I wrote for a late Secret Santa event way back in January. People seem to like it a lot, so I finally thought I might upload it on Ao3 as well. This is the single exhibit that proves I'm actually capable of writing something thematically simple for a change, so yay for that :D Enjoy!

* * *

 

 

 

”And then he said – hold on… He said… I said _wait_ …”

“You’ve been saying that for, like, five minutes already.”

“ _You-u_ shut up! Time is dead, I killed it… Hey, where’s my punch? Ronnie, someone drank my punch…”

“It was you, Billy. You drank the punch.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire! Pfft- _hahaha_! Get it, guys? Her pants are – wait… She’s not wearing pants… That’s… against the dress code. You’re breaking the rules, Py!”

“But Boss, you said there’s no rules.”

“… _You’re_ not wearing pants, Kryptos. You dare come to my party with no pants on and still claim to pledge your all… allieg… allegiance to me? Huh?”

“No offense, but you’re not wearing pants, either.”

“Yeah, I mean, there’s literally no one in this room who’s wearing pants.”

“Everybody stop questioning me! This is _my_ party! _My_ rules! Nobody respects my rules… except _this_ guy… He’s wearing pants, see? He’s a gentleman, like myself! He’s the only one who gets me… C’mere, Fordsy…”

“Ugh, get a room, you two!”

“You know what? I think we will! He’d probably be intimidated by the sight of you pantless savages, anyway. Just me and him, we have a nice talk, catch up, bury the hatchet, shake on it, and we’ll be back to partying in no time! With or without pants – to be honest, I wouldn’t mind either!”

“Room. _Now_.”

“Sure thing, big guy.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The muffled rave bass in the distance was fast to reach Ford’s ears the first thing once the gold has melted off them. It hurt his throbbing head, but he wasn’t sure if he preferred that to the dissonant note clusters from a piano that was clearly being horribly abused nearby. He certainly wished he didn’t have to endure _both_ , but there was nothing he could do with the rest of his body still petrified in gold.

“Bill”, he muttered hoarsely.

To his relief, the torturous excuse of a piano concerto was halted at the sound of his voice. “STANFORD F. PINES! Oh boy, am I glad you decided to join us!”

“I haven’t joined anyone”, Ford barked back at him almost reflexively. Bill’s jarring voice echoing all around him made him feel defenceless; he couldn’t even turn his head to locate his adversary.

“Haha, I know, I – whoops!”

He heard a crash, and then the sparse field of vision he was allowed did a 180; he let out a scream as he was thrown about in the suddenly spinning room, landing roughly on the ceiling before gravity turned against him again. When the room finally settled into a weightless state, he was left hanging midair surrounded by floating furniture. He was secretly grateful to notice that his gold coating had at least protected his body from the hits.

He could finally see Bill cackling just a few feet away from him. “Sorry, old pal – I always forget that the laws of physics no longer exist unless I want them to! Oh well, who needs gravity anyway?”

“Bill!” Ford roared. “Put me down this instant!”

Bill sighed dramatically. “Fine, geez.”

Ford couldn’t hold back another yelp at the feeling of falling again, but at least this time he landed on something bouncy.

“There you go! Nice and comfy, right?”

Ford huffed through his nose. “I wouldn’t call it that for as long as you have me immobilized. Stop fooling around and free me, so I can at least face you from an equal standing.”

“Hmm… Don’t know ‘bout standing, but…” Had he been able to move, he would’ve flinched as Bill suddenly flopped down on whatever he was lying on right beside him and turned him onto his side. “There! You’re facing me now. Equal enough for ya?”

“You are missing my point on purpose”, Ford muttered angrily. He could now see that he’d landed on a bed, and the Bill’s intense stare at his body petrified in gold only added to his confusion.

“So, Fordsy…” Bill rose to lean against his elbow while the other black hand reached to – Ford could only assume it was going for somewhere around his midriff. “Do you come here often?”

“What?” Ford nearly snapped. “Of course I don’t, that’s absurd! What kind of a question is that? Are you speaking in riddles again?”

“Hahaha!” Bill’s loud laughter drilled through his eardrums, and it occurred to Ford that it sounded even slightly more unhinged than normal. “Guess you could call it that! Come on, Brains, doesn’t it ring any bells at all?”

Ford frowned. Granted, he’d heard the phrase before, but… No, that made no sense. “Well, it’s… a common pick-up line amongst young people, at least in my time. Stanley used it a lot back in the day. But why would you –”

“There you go!” Bill praised him with a smirk in his voice. “I was worried for a second there! I know all about human courting rituals, but that knowledge would go to waste if the receiver was completely clueless as to what I was going on about! Gotta speak the same language, you see! That’s communication!”

“Bill”, Ford said slowly, trying to get his head around what he was about to say. “Are you… flirting with me?”

“That’s what the cool kids call it, yes!”

Ford was too puzzled to even be flustered by the idea. “ _Why on Earth_ would you do that?”

“Well, why not? You tell me!” Bill cackled, kicking his feet with laughter.

“Bill, we are mortal enemies”, the man said slowly as if explaining a simple idea to a child. This must be some kind of a misunderstanding. “And that’s not even the beginning of it, you… You’re not… Do you even know what… _flirting_ … stands for in our culture? I know you do not care much for common sense, but there is literally no – _what are you doing?”_

It was strange to feel his pulse pick up as Bill suddenly rolled on top of him even though his heart wasn’t technically beating at the moment.

“What am I doing? Gee, I don’t know, IQ. You tell me”, the demon said again with a mouthless grin.

This time, Ford could distinguish the smell of alcohol in the breath that blew against his face. “Bill, you are clearly intoxicated. I suggest we continue this discussion once you’ve sobered enough to put a stop to this nonsense.”

His demand was blatantly ignored. “Oh, come _on_ ”, Bill drawled and rose on his arms to get a proper look at his captive, effectively straddling him. Suddenly Ford was uncomfortably aware of the fact that he’d never been this close to his former muse in his entire lifetime. “Gotta play fair here, right? I can’t stop what I’m doing unless you tell me what it is you _think_ I’m doing.”

Ford could hardly believe what he was about to say. “Well, it appears to me that you are, uh, initiating physical contact for… for whatever reason I cannot fathom.”

“Go on”, Bill purred, running a finger across his jawline. “I’m sure you have at least _something_ of an idea. Read the mood.”

“Well, I…” the man gulped against the pad of a hand pressed against his adam’s apple. “If I am to take your notion of _courting rituals_ seriously, I… I can only imagine your current actions are meant to initiate a romantic setting… or rather… uhm, se-…”

“Say it”, Bill grinned in an almost victorious tone.

Ford cringed inwardly. “…s-sexual stimulation”, he finally managed to choke out, face burning with shame. “Which, if I may add, is an absolute crowning moment of every preposterous antic you have put me through”, he then added quickly, gaining some confidence from finally being able to argue against what had been said out loud, “not only because a good part of my body is still petrified and without a sense of touch, but the mere idea of you, uh… _stirring_ anything within me is absurd, impossible and everything between. Will you get off me now? I am not going to ask again.”

“Good”, Bill hummed. “Because I don’t like having to repeat myself. Fine, I’ll get _off_ you, all right.” The triangle made a clumsy barrel roll on the bed, dragging Ford along on top of him in turn, much to the man’s dismay. “Better?”

“No!” Ford bristled. “Unhand me at once!”

“ _Unhand_ you? Pffft, who even uses that word in this age? Oh, who am I kidding, time is dead and all that! I killed it, just because I can, and nobody can stop me. You know what else I can do?”

Ford let out a frustrated noise as additional arms sprouted from Bill’s sides and wrapped themselves possessively around his immobile body. He couldn’t see what was being done to him, he couldn’t feel it, but he _knew_ it, and it bothered him to no end.

“All right, Fordsy”, Bill muttered in a strangely sweet tone, shifting his frame under Ford in a way that made him even more uncomfortable, if possible. “I’m bored now, so you’d better keep me entertained or I’ll just keep on doing whatever I want. So! Keep talking. Tell me, what is it exactly that makes this situation so _absurd_ and _impossible_? I mean, of course you must know that absurdity is practically my middle name, but you’re free give me your output anyway!”

“You cannot be serious, Bill.”

“Oh, I’m serious! Seriously getting bored, that is. So get that science talk back on, chop chop!”

Ford huffed again. The more he spoke, the more he was starting to feel like Bill was just playing him, as always. But what else could he do? “Like I said, I don’t even know where to begin… You are in way over your head with whatever it is that you’re trying to achieve. First of all, human sexuality has certain preferences ruled by our physical nature. You are an incorporeal demon that has assumed a simple geometric shape with extremely few humanoid features. One can’t possibly expect a response to something that is so vastly different from us by its very form of existence.”

“Hah!” Bill scoffed. “Whether something’s incorporeal or not never stopped your lot before. Amiright, guys?” he glanced nonchalantly somewhere his captive couldn’t see, giving a meaningful wink at the reader.

Ford frowned. “Who are you talking to?”

“No one _you_ would know about! Aw, don’t worry, pal. It’s just us two here, I promise”, the demon reassured him as a blush over the thought of someone else seeing him like this was starting to spread across his cheeks. “Just saying my form isn’t an issue, seeing how there’s a small crowd of your kind swooning over me on a daily basis! Renders your point moot, more or less.”

“That is a ridiculous excuse based purely on a groundless assumption. The only thing rendered moot are your delusions of your own desirableness”, Ford retorted bitingly. “I doubt you’re even capable of – never mind.”

“Am I capable of what? Oh, wouldn’t you like to find that out!” Bill chuckled, petting the man’s curls in a mocking manner. “I’ll have you know that I’m capable of any and every single thing you ever wished for, and I’m sure we’ll get _there_ later.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Maybe not, _yet_ ”, a whisper blew against his neck, and a sudden sensation of a wet tongue dragging along it made the little part of him he could move freeze completely. “It’s a work in progress. And you, of all people, calling my charm a delusion? _That_ is irony right there! What were all those paintings, sculptures and illustrations about? You worshipped me, Stanford! You bowed down to my image! If that isn’t a whole show of desire, I don’t know what is!”

“Th-that… That was different!” Ford faltered as soon as he managed to force his voice out of the back of his throat. “Yes, I held you in high regard, but that is in no way comparable to… whatever _this_ is! You were a bringer of knowledge, a deity, and I wanted to manifest my respect and gratitude for you. That is all there was to it!”

“So if I had come to you as a grotesque ball of limbs with seventeen eyes leaking acidic substances unknown to mankind, you would’ve spent just as much time and devotion in making portrayals of my image everywhere in your surroundings? You would’ve described me as _your blessed muse_ , _a true gentleman_ and who even knows what else? You would’ve agreed to possession just so that we’d be able to share our existence outside your Dreamscape?”

“That –“ Ford was at a loss of words, but only for a second. “That is a trick question! You _chose_ an alluring form with the sheer intention of catching my interest, did you not?”

“ _HA!_ SEE? You just admitted it!” Bill shrieked victoriously. Around them, furniture started slowly floating up again. “You, a human meatsack, are drawn to me, a demon out of a non-physical realm in the shape of a triangle! Admit it – you _like_ me, Fordsy! You’re actually enjoying this situation, aren’t you, you dirty cheat? You want to be freed from your golden binds just so you could _feel_ me, don’t you?”

“I most certainly do not!” Ford insisted, ignoring the heat pooling in the phantom feeling of his stomach. “Like I said before, we are mortal enemies! Whatever admiration my ignorant past self ever held for you is long gone! The only passion I have left for you is one of seeing your downfall!”

“Uh-huh”, Bill uttered in a bored yet intrigued tone. “Could you elaborate on your reasons for that a little?”

“There is no need for elaboration!” Ford snapped, the free part of his body suddenly shaking with thirty years of resentment. “You _betrayed_ me, Bill! You lied to me! You misled me into thinking we were partners, that I was of great value to you! It was deliberate and cruel, and you have no idea – how can you even fathom that I still – that I’d feel anything but hatred towards you? Not to even mention that you are a dangerous entity threatening to tear the balance of our world apart with your heedless actions!”

“Geez, _mom_ ”, Bill snarled. “So you don’t like my way of going around things when it comes to dimensional invasion. Big whoop.” His hands that had stopped their movements for a moment started sliding across Ford’s golden frame again. “Would it help you if we agreed that all this is purely physical?”

“Obviously, that isn’t the case”, Ford retorted, frowning. “Seeing how your newly acquired physical form wasn’t a factor at the time.”

Bill chuckled. “So you’ll admit the attraction?”

Ford gritted his teeth. “Fine”, he spat out eventually. “Yes, there was attraction. As absurd and naive as it may have been, I admired you for reasons other than your limitless knowledge. To me, what we shared was kinship beyond anything I have ever known in my lifetime. Not only did I feel like my contribution was to become a valuable part of something greater, but… I truly thought we were bonded. …Until the end of time.”

He should’ve stopped talking a long time ago.

“However, like I said, that false kinship is long gone”, he added. “It is all in the past.”

He startled as the floating furniture around them came down with a crash. “Pardon my bluntness, Fordsy”, said Bill, squinting, “but you don’t sound entirely convinced to me.”

“It is true”, Ford replied firmly, his voice growing darker. “I despise you, and I will not forgive you.”

“Not asking you to.”

“What?”

“Well”, Bill muttered, tugging him a little closer to his glowing surface, “we don’t have to get all lovey-dovey here. I’m just saying we have a connection, y’know? Two misunderstood genius minds all alone in the Multiverse with nothing but time in their hands… Well, time is and continues to be dead, but you catch my drift. We’re a match made in heaven! Or hell, choose your poison! And you know you’ll have no chance of confronting me as long as I’m the boss and you’re stuck in your current state.”

Bill was right. There was nothing Ford could do on his own. He would have to wait for help from the outside, and how long would that take?

“And I do value you, for real! Why else would I have left the party just to spend some quality time with you in my personal quarters?”

The man was quiet.

“Now then… All this gold looks fine on ya, but I’m guessing you’d prefer to move around, right? I’ll free you, if you want. There are conditions, of course.”

 _Of course_.

“You’re curious about what I have in mind, aren’t you?” Bill squinted his eye in a teasing manner. “Now that the truth is out, everything I said before shows in _just_ a bit more intriguing light, don’t you agree? And all that pent up frustration from being immobile for so long must be working wonders at this point.”

Suddenly Ford could feel a hand on his back, another on his neck, another exploring a sliver of skin beneath his sweater. He bit his lip to stop himself from shivering violently at the tingling sensation of his senses returning to normal where the demon’s hands were touching him.

“How’s this for a deal, old pal?” Bill murmured, his lashes brushing against the man’s face. “I’ll free you, but start anything and you’ll be back to decorating my throne. Just go with the flow, and you’ll be fine. Let’s find out how all of our shared history adds up now that we’re both in the physical plane.”

Ford’s breathing was getting heavier. “You’ll get no deal from me, Cipher.”

The lashes disappeared with a blink, and eyelids were replaced by a pair of smiling lips.

“Let’s just see how this goes, kid.”

Ford was pulled into a strangely passionate kiss, and he found no reason to draw back.


End file.
